


I Will Find You

by orphan_account



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, Fluff, M/M, Past Abuse, Rape, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-04 02:03:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles is simply fucked up and thinks nobody can save him. As he spirals downwards, will Louis be the one to bring him back up? **Trigger Warnings** Mentions of past Rape/Abuse, eating disorder/selfharm, and eventually sexual content. Do not read if under 15 years of age. ****EDIT**** There is an unexpected twist at the end. I have been getting a shit load of hate-- yes, HATE, on a story I wrote and worked hard on-- on something I did to the plotline. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS. If I keep getting hate, I will gladly DELETE the story and you will ruin it for everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Edit** Okay so the bits where Harry hears a voice were supposed to be italisized, but this stupid motherfucking little piece of shit computer is being a shithead about it. So, when there is dialouge that doesnt make sense, that's probably the 'voice'.  
> please. just. dont hate me.

He doesn’t like to think about it. It’s been years, maybe more, but it still sends shivers down his spine whenever the memories crawl back into his mind. It’s like tremors after an earthquake; the big catastrophe had already happened, but the aftershocks end up doing the most damage. Demons of all sorts still whisper inhuman thoughts in his ears while alone in bed at night. They bring along the feeling of big, rough hands pulling at his skin and teeth prying along his neck. Harry gets visited by these demons every night, a never-ending cycle of despair.

He has to forget about it, he thinks, no one will believe such an atrocity. But the price of keeping this secret to himself has certainly been noticed by others. What once was a happy, easy-going teenager was now a part of the living dead. No longer were late night parties and hookups, but now were evenings alone with an orange bottle of sleeping pills and crap television. Bags constantly under Harry’s eyes, the boy flinches at the smallest hand gesture sent his way.

And what’s worse is that his band mates were only seeing regression.

Niall is the one who found him outside their hotel in the ally way, face bloodied up and covered in bruises. Clothing in rags, the boy seemed to be embarrassed and was crossing his arms over his stomach in shame..

“..Harry?,” the Irish boy said cautiously, “we’ve been look’n for you all night, lad. Are you okay?”

Once Harry stepped into the light of the hotel sign, Niall gasped at his state of appearance.

“Oh.. Harry..” He reached out to comfort the younger boy, only for him flinch away from his touch. “What has he done to you?”

Niall could see pure fear in Harry’s eyes, like he didn’t even know who he was talking to. The only sign he was still responsive were the little whimpers coming from somewhere deep inside of him.

“Harry, it’s me Nialler. Everything’s going to be okay.”

He finally looked up at the blonde haired boy with a glint of recognition in his eyes.

“Niall…” he whimpered, “please.. j-just.. please just t-take me to my r-room..”

The older boy complied, and attentively reached out to lead the boy out of the cold night air and into the hotel lobby. Harry flinched again, but this time allowed his friend to touch him. With a few strange looks from hotel guests and workers, they made their way up to the thirteenth floor. Harry started going towards his room when Niall grabbed his shoulder.

“Nuh-uh, I don’t think so lad. You’re coming with me, and we’re talking about this as a band.”

Harry whipped his head around, eyes wide. He started to breathe at a quickened pace, and subtly glanced at the hand tightly gripping his bruised shoulder. Niall, noticing this, quickly let the boy go.

“C’mon, Harry.”

Without touching the petrified boy, he took out his room key and led the way into he and Zayn’s hotel room, where everyone was having an up-beat ‘movie-night’.

“It’s about time Niall, you’re missing the best part!”

“Yea, too bad Harry’s out with that fucker of a boy—“ Zayn said before cutting off and glancing towards the doorway. “Shit mate.”

With the exclamation, all three boys turned their heads and in a millisecond, happy expressions turned to confusion and sadness. At seeing this, the youngest boy of One Direction simply couldn’t take it anymore, and collapsed into a heap on the ground whilst sobbing. He didn’t know how long he was crying before he felt a hand on his cheek, caressing it.

“Mate.. What happened?”

Although recognizing his best friend Louis’ voice, he quickly backpedaled into the nearest wallpapered corner.

“P-please… p-please d-don’t hurt me,” he sobbed. Louis looked back at him, utterly horrified at the suggestion.

“Why in the hell would I hurt you, haz?” He asked in a strong voice. This only made the young boy sob harder.

“I-I’m s-sorry Louis, d-don’t b-be m-mad.. please..” he managed to gasp between racks of sobs.

“Hey, don’t yell mate, he’s clearly upset.”

“Well, what the fuck is this, Niall, care to explain?”

“We don’t know, Louis. Obviously none of us do. He was supposed to be out with Ni—“

All of a sudden, causing jumps from the four boys around him, Harry jumped up and ran out of the room. He ran until he reached his own room and slammed and locked the door behind him. No, no. They must never know.

“If you ever tell anyone I did this, Haz, I will come after you.”

“And I’ll Kill You.”


	2. voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After years of isolation, is Harry finally ready to step out of the shadows? Or will he just push his friends farther away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is a bit longer. 1K+ words. Thanks for reading(:
> 
> **Edit** Okay so the bits where Harry hears a voice were supposed to be italisized, but this stupid motherfucking little piece of shit computer is being a shithead about it. So, when there is dialouge that doesnt make sense, that's probably the 'voice'. and the first four lines are the 'voice'.   
> please. just. dont hate me.

“Stop crying Harry.”  
“You deserve this. You’re worthless.”  
“I’m sick of you being disobedient.”  
“After this, we’re done. Fatass. I’m too good for you.”  
“Nobody is ever going to love you after me.”  
“Nobody.”  
“Harry, be down for breakfast in five!”  
Harry Styles, nineteen years old, shot up from his bed in a panic. This was the fourth one this week. The same nightmare—no. Not a nightmare. Memory. That had been replaying over and over in his mind for the fourth time this week. Raking his hand through his unruly hair, Harry glances towards the empty orange container sitting in the trash can next to his bed. Dammit, he thinks, he really has to tell Paul to fill his prescription. He cannot handle these nightmares anymore. Thinking about… no. He just can’t.  
Harry gets up from his squeaky hotel mattress and walks into the room’s attaching bathroom. Turning on the sink and splashing cold water on his face, he finally catches a glance at his reflection. Bags, blue and puffy fill the space between his eyes and cheeks. He’s pale—paler than he has ever been before. Almost like a ghost. Eyes trailing down his body, what he sees as meaty hips and a protruding tummy is actually hip bones and ribs. His concave stomach is host to a few old slash marks, from when he didn’t have pills to handle the pain he felt in his heart. Taking his fingers and pinching the non-existent fat on his body, a few tears well up in the boy’s bloodshot eyes.  
“God dammit, Harry, what did I say about losing weight? I can’t take you out like this. You’re disgusting.”  
Tears finally start to fall. Another skipped breakfast, Harry thinks. Another skipped breakfast, and then maybe I’ll finally be perfect.  
He brushes his teeth and gets changed into his favorite baggy jumper and skinny jeans that are loose around his frame and heads downstairs to meet the boys for breakfast. After shutting the door behind him, he is at once greeted by an ever easy-going Paul “The Body Guard” Higgins.  
“You’ve got ten minutes for breakfast then we have to hit the road. Alright?” Harry nods his head yes. “Good. By the way kid, you look like shit. No sleep?”  
Harry gets reminded of what he has to ask of Paul, and silently gives thanks to the big, beefy man standing before him. “Y-yeah. Actually, I need you to fill my prescription for me...”  
Paul looks at him skeptically. “You are over your fill limit, Harry. You know that.”  
“Please, Paul. Just one more time, I swear!” Harry pleads. “I-I need them.”  
He looks down at him, sadness in his eyes and heart for the boy he has known for four years. “No. Harry, I can’t.” He puts his hand on the young boy’s shoulder, choosing to ignore the flinch that allows follows. “I love you too much.”  
And then he’s gone. He’s gone before Harry can give him those damn puppy dog eyes. Before he relents, and gives in to his addiction.  
Harry quickly wipes the tears from his eyes and slowly makes his way through the maze of hallways before he reaches the hotel elevator. Reaching out to press the circular button, he is beat by another hand, pressing it before him. Harry quickly takes his hand and stuffs it in his pants pocket. Tapping his shoes nervously, he looks over to see Louis, staring at him strangely.  
“Hey Harry.” He says, to break the tension coursing through the air around them like boiling lava. “Not a lot of sleep last night, I’m guessing?” With a quick shake to the head, Harry gives a sigh of relief when he hears a cheery ding! And the steel doors part in front of them. Scurrying inside, Harry leans against the adjoining walls, farthest away from Louis.  
He hears a sigh as Louis joins him, pressing the down button. “I thought you were getting better...” He hears him mumble to himself.  
With a surge of anger, Harry leans himself forward, snarling, “Well take that up with Paul! He’s the one not fucking filling up my prescription! That fucker.”  
Louis looks back at him, still in shock at the sudden outburst. “Well,” He says calmly back, “I can guess this isn’t going to be one of your good days.” He crosses his arms and goes back staring at the stainless steal in front of him.  
What ensues is awkward breathes and elevator music that sounds suspiciously of “It’s a Small World”.  
After a few minutes is another ding! And Harry once again thanks the God of machinery for saving his ass continuously.  
They walk in tense company until they reach the kitchen area of the hotel. After searching for a few minutes, Harry’s eyes fall on his three other band mates, laughing and eating an all-you-can-eat breakfast.  
“Hey Harry.” Niall says to him. “Yeh hungry?”  
Harry looks around at all the food on the table. Scrambled eggs, bacon, mounds and mounds of pancakes smothered in butter a syrup. Mouth watering, he looks towards Niall with big eyes.  
“Yeah, maybe just—“  
“You disgusting piece of shit. Nobody loves you ‘cus you’re fat. Hell, I’m leaving you ‘cus you’re FAT.”  
“…no,” he continues, “I’m actually not that hungry this morning.”  
Four pairs of eyes stare at him knowingly.  
“You sure, mate?” Zayn asks, as though he’s speaking to a child, “You’re all skin and bones!”  
“He’s joking. He’s making fun of you.”  
“Stop making fun of me.”  
Zayn looks around, whiplashed. “Mate, I’m not making fun of you!”  
Louis reaches over and puts a hand on Zayn’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Zayn. We’ll talk later.”  
Harry looks around the table and wonders what secrets his friends are keeping from him. He almost chuckles to himself at the irony. Like I should be complaining, he thinks. I’m keeping a damn big secret.  
“That’s going to cost you your life if you tell, little fucker.”  
Harry remains silent for the rest of the meal, training his eyes away from food and down at his feet. Once his friends have finished, Paul has arrived with two other guards.  
“Okay, boys, this way, time to go.”  
All five boys stand up at once, but Louis gently catches Harry’s arm and holds him back.  
“We’ll catch up in a sec.” He throws at the group before taking Harry and leading him towards the back corner of the dining hall. Harry cannot bring himself to look in his best friend’s eyes, but keeps his gaze downcast.  
“L-look, I-I’m r-really sorry about yelling before a-and I-I didn’t mean i-it and—“Louis reaches out and takes the boy in his arms. Harry flinches, but accepts the hug.  
“Harry, I will never understand. I will never understand why you constantly shake and flinch. Or why you never eat like you used to.” Harry looks up at him, eyes wide. “Yea, don’t you think I’ve haven’t noticed, Harold. But no matter how long it’s been since that… night...” He coughs, “or how long it’s going to be…. I’ll be ready. I’ll be ready to hear whatever you have to say. And I’ll be here to help.” He looks down at the boy. Yes, down. The nineteen year old lad has actually shrunk.  
“Okay Harry? At least promise me that one day this strange behavior will be explained.”  
“Louis…”  
“Just promise me.”  
They gaze into each other’s eyes for what seems like forever.  
“I promise.”


	3. Earthquake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry thought he was in love.. but is that what it really was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So this is a lot of backround info before I continue with the story. This will help you guys understand what is going on in Harry’s mind as the plotline progress’s. As always, enjoy and feedback is always appreciated! 1k+ words **warnings** rape/abuse in this chapter. If you are not comfortable with it, do NOT read.

**Flashback**

Harry first met Nick at one of the band’s very first interviews. Harry was 16 and he was 22. Obviously, it wasn’t any normal relationship and nobody really expected it to happen the way it did. Flirty glances were exchanged whilst doing the interview and Nick seemed to constantly go out of his way to swing every question back to Harry.  
“So, Harry. We all know that Niall’s single… but are you seeing anyone at the mo? A dashing young lad like you shouldn’t be single for long.”  
And that was that. After the finishing questions, Nick pulled Harry aside and asked him out.  
Their relationship started out like any other; late night phone calls, romantic dates out on the town. Whenever having to explain the unusual relationship to anyone else, he simply stated “It was meant to be”. Slowly falling deeper and deeper in love with the older man, he pulled away from his four best friends. He blew of many ‘boy’s nights out’ for romantic dinners at home with the love of his life. If explained with physics, Nick was the sun to Harry’s earth.  
Very gradually, things… started to change.  
It started very subtly, not even arising concern in the naïve boy’s thoughts. Nick would pick out clothes for Harry, telling him what to wear. Once, he snuck over he and Louis’ flat to give Harry a ‘surprise’. All old clothes carelessly thrown in the dumpster lining their flat, Nick had bought him a whole new wardrobe. It consisted of baggy jumpers, beanies, and skinny jeans made to fit a stickman.  
“Don’t you love me? I thought I’d do you a favor, you know. You don’t look good in those fit t-shirts… too much of a tummy on you! The only good thing about you is your legs!” With a kiss to the young boy’s forehead, he added, “Don’t worry, love. With a few trips to the gym and some diet pills, we’ll get you back into those t-shirts in no time!”  
Well, ‘no time’ ended up being longer than expected.  
With extra trips to the gym and endless hours spent with Nick, Harry hardly saw his four best friends at all. He felt a special tug at his heart for Louis, the boy he had grown closest with. When sharing his concerns with his boyfriend, he immediately grew aggressive.  
“Are you saying you love him more than me? I thought I meant more to you, Harry. You know no one else will love you like I do. If you hate me so much, just leave. You disgust me, sometimes.”  
Heart broken, Harry begged for forgiveness, even getting on his knees in front of the man. Nick relented eventually, but forced at least six diet pills down his throat as punishment.  
A few months later, Harry was sixteen pounds lighter and had a whole new attitude on life. Food and meals no longer held priority in the boy’s life. Frequent skipped plans with his band mates occurred more often than not for trips to the gym… But this wasn’t impressing Nick in the slightest.  
“Have you been listening to me at all, Harry? You’re disgusting. If anything, you’ve gained weight. I can’t even take you out for a nice meal without being embarrassed by the cow sitting in front of me.”  
To make his boyfriend forgive him and feel love towards him again, Harry popped ten pills right then and promised a more vigorous workout routine. Something like pride filled the older man’s eyes.  
That was the first night they had sex.  
It was nothing like Harry expected it to be. What he imagined as gentle caresses and soft, languid kisses were rough nails scratching down his chest and dirty words being tossed around the air. What Harry wanted as gentle rolls were sharp thrusts. After twenty minutes they were already done, Nick satisfied and sleeping while Harry laid awake in pain.  
It only got worse when the band went on tour.  
Nick was constantly texting and checking up on Harry. A set time schedule was made, and Harry frantically, almost religiously, kept to it. Eight-thirty, Nick called before work. Ten, Nick would call to make sure Harry’s pills were taken. Twelve, Nick would make sure Harry skipped lunch. Once, he missed one of his calls and started crying nervously in front of the boys.  
“I’m sure he’ll understand, Harry.” Zayn said, trying to sooth the younger boy.  
“Yea, mate, we were busy after all.”  
Harry only started to sob harder, leaving the room, mumbling something that sounded along the lines of “You just don’t understand him.”  
Harry was right, though. Instead of calling in his next time slot, Nick arrived at Harry’s hotel room later that night, livid.  
“What the actual fuck, Harry? I thought you were dead! You know what, you’d be better off dead! You don’t deserve me!” He yelled furiously, right in Harry’s face.  
“I-I’m sorry Nick, I know you’re mad-d, but I was busy and—“  
Crunch! Harry fell back, clutching his bloodied nose with his hand. Nick crouched down and sneered, “Don’t you fucking dare say that you were too busy for me, fatass.”  
He picked the boy up and through him in the bathroom.  
“Now wipe that crap off your face and meet me downstairs in ten. Wear that brown jumper I like- I don’t feel like being embarrassed about my boyfriend’s weight tonight.”  
Nick left and Harry did what he was asked, hands shaking with anxiety. Nick loved him. He was just mad, he thought. Finishing, Harry left his room and took a quick detour to where the boys were having another “Night In”.  
“Erm, hey guys. Nick is here so I’m going out with him tonight. Sorry.”  
Niall was the first one out of his seat.  
“We heard yelling mate... you alright?” He asked, eyes slowly trailing down the boy’s face. “And what the fuck happened to your nose?”  
At once, Louis was also at his side. “That little fucker! I knew he was no good for you, I’m going to ki—“  
“No!” Harry said at once. “You don’t know what you’re saying!” He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, mate, he was just mad at me. I deserved it. Now I really have to go, alright. See you later.”  
But before he could fully get out of the door, a hand grabbed his arm, holding him back.  
“Just…” He heard Niall’s voice sigh. “Just be careful.”  
With a quick nod to the head, Harry left his friends once again for the… love…of his life.  
Harry checked his watch while making his way through the front doors of the hotel. Shit, two minutes late. I really can’t afford this, he thought, he’s already mad—  
Before another thought could form in his brain, Harry was slammed into a brick wall. His vision was only filled with darkness, the smell of garbage emitting through his sense of smell.  
“You little fucker. You obviously don’t love me anymore.”  
With a punch to his gut, Harry crouched over, gagging.  
“You deserve this Harry. Once I punish you for hurting me, this relationship is over.”  
Nick held the young boy against the wall, a large, rough hand wrapped around his throat while the other started unbuckling his belt.  
“You’re so disgusting, you cow. No one will ever love you like I did,” Nick’s jeans slid down to the concrete beneath them, “You are an embarrassment.”  
Harry was crying at this point, tears streaming down his swollen face.  
“Stop crying, Harry,” He snarled at the boy, spit flying from his mouth, “You. Deserve. To. Be. Punished.” He took Harry’s jeans, and with one tug, pulled them off the boy’s skinny legs.  
“P-please I-I don’t want t-this—“He was cut off by another punch to his red, bloodied face.  
Nick took Harry’s legs and wrapped them around his waist. Lining up his length, he slammed in the younger boy, making him cry out in pain.  
“Make another noise, Harry, and I’ll kill you when I’m done.”  
Harry covered his mouth with his dirty hand, shutting out the involuntary grunts of pain emitting from his mouth. His senses were overwhelmed; pain, stench, and darkness.  
“I never loved you,” Nick grunted in between thrusts, “But you were always a good fuck.”  
Minutes passed with only sounds of skin slapping against skin and groans of pleasure from the older man. Nick finally released inside of the small, petrified boy. Once done, he pulled out and slammed Harry to the ground.  
“You ever tell anyone about this,” He said, pulling on his trousers, “I will find you. And I will kill you.”


	4. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally shares his secrets.. but with someone you'd least expect.  
> **EDIT** Understand that this is a work of fiction! I simply used Nick Grimshaw's name because it works in with the plotline of things, as you will find out in the future. Nick, in real life, is probably the funniest and fucking sweetest person ever. So. Please separate fiction and reality(:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A little under 2K words.. Hope you like! Kudos/feedback is always welcome! (:

It’s been weeks since that day at breakfast, the day Harry broke and promised Louis an explanation to his insanity. He had almost put his life at risk and instead of feeling dreadful about it, he felt a sense of clarity. I have been miserable for the past year, Harry had concluded after that day, so why should I care if I lose my life or not? I’d rather be dead than alive another day being unhappy.  
But then he hears that awful, dreadful voice fill his thoughts again, flooding out any chance he convinced himself to seek out help.  
“No Harry. You deserve to be living in pain, remember?”  
So, although weeks had passed and Harry had been going out of his way to smile at Louis more lately, Harry decides he will keep his secret. He will keep it at the lowest depths of his heart.

Harry wakes up at four in the morning, aching and emotionally exhausted. Along with weeks passing from talking with Louis had been weeks without his sleeping pills. And, well, let’s say the young boy wasn’t taking it very well. The first few days he could handle, just the usual restless night with the recurring nightmare. But as those few days turned to weeks, Harry started to get withdrawal symptoms. Along with his frequent flinches whenever touched, Harry was experiencing the shakes and started retching at the sight of food. Retching, because there was so little already in his shrunken stomach. So, Harry got up sore with his spirits plummeting to the depths of hell.  
Putting a beanie over his slightly greasy hair and slipping into on the baggiest clothing he can muster from his suitcase, Harry opens up a terrace door to once again another hotel room, of many, on the band’s world tour. The slight morning breeze racing its way across his rosy cheeks, he huddled further into himself and sat along the edge of the overhang. Below him were early morning streetwalkers in jogging suits and the homeless still asleep on their usual park benches. In the distance was Brooklyn Harbor, the sun rising from the murky city water.  
Harry took a deep breath and sighed to himself. How peaceful, he thinks. If only the people would never wake up. Then it would stay perfect forever.  
“What are you thinking about, mate?”  
Harry looks over, startled, to see Zayn at the neighboring balcony, smoking a cigarette. Casually leaning against the cold brick that made up the hundred floor building, Harry thinks he has never seen someone as good looking or as beautiful as his friend. With only a pair of joggers and a slightly wrinkled t-shirt thrown on his fit frame, he looked like he was ready to do a photo-shoot. Harry has only ever wished to look like this.  
Instead of answering his friend, he got up from his protective position and walked closer to Zayn’s balcony. He stuck out his hand, asking permission to have a smoke, portraying the emotions he felt without using words.  
“You don’t smoke.”  
Harry looked at him straight in the eye, with a small smirk gracing his thin, chapped lips.  
“Well, mate,” he chuckled, surprising Zayn and himself, “I think I do now.”  
Not waiting for an answer, he reached over and grabbed the joint. Putting it to his lips, he pulled the smoke in to his lungs deeply, letting it sink in before blowing it back out. Taking a deep breath, he ignored Zayn’s one of countless worried expressions and sat back down to once again gaze out at the city before him. It was getting more crowded. He didn’t like it.  
Harry heard some shuffling and then again was left in silence. Curious, he looked back over at the neighboring balcony to see Zayn sitting at the edge facing him, feet dangling through the spaces in-between the bars. Pair of eyes were looking at him, expectantly.  
“I have a feeling you want to talk about something?” Harry said to him, shuffling to get in the same position. Once he mirrored his friend, he added, “It’s either that or you’re thinking about jumping.”  
Zayn’s head snapped to his. “Is that what you were thinking about Harry? Were you thinking about jumping?”  
“Don’t be stupid,” Harry muttered. “You know I wouldn’t.”  
Zayn laughed humorlessly. “To be honest, mate, I don’t know you anymore. And let me tell you something—no, don’t interrupt me, prick. I’m telling you this, and you’re going to listen.  
I don’t know what happened to you. You used to be so outgoing, funny, and happy for god’s sake. But then you met that fucking bastard Nick.”  
Harry quickly looked down, trying to block out what was to follow next.  
“He screwed you up, didn’t he?” Zayn stated, more than question. “Harry, look me in the eye and say he didn’t screw you up.” When Harry continued looking downwards, he almost sneered, “Fucking look at me.”  
Harry snapped his head up to meet Zayn’s, but instead of saying the words that were almost formed on his tongue, started to cry.  
Nobody bothered to talk in the following minutes, with the only thing being heard was small sniffles coming from the younger boy. Sensing Harry would talk when he was ready, Zayn waited until he was ready.  
“Yea,” Harry eventually croaked out, “I guess you could say that.”  
Zayn was left a little surprised. This was the most Harry has ever said about his ex-boyfriend, and he certainly wasn’t expecting what came out next.  
“I didn’t think I would ever tell anyone... but fuck. I need to before it kills me.” He cleared his throat one last time before looking back at Zayn. “I wasn’t good enough. I’m never going to be good enough. He always told me that I was too fat and needed to lose weight, or I was stupid and young and needed to grow up. But he loved me Zayn… he did. But one day he got really mad because I was talking to Louis and he... he changed.” Harry stopped and took a shuddery breath. “He got really protective a-and one day I didn’t pick up when h-he called... and he drove to our hotel. Drove to our fucking hotel five fucking hours away, and hit me.” At this point, Harry could barely mutter words out, he was sobbing.  
“Mate, I’m coming over. Unlock your door.”  
Before he knew it, Zayn was walking into his room and was cradling the younger boy in his arms.  
“That fucker. Harry you knew none of that was true, you know—“  
“That’s n-not all, Zayn.” Harry hiccupped. “I know it’s true; I’m fat and guly and I’ll never be good enough for anyone. But I can change that. I’ve been trying.” Unconsciously, he moved his hands down to his stomach, feeling his concave tummy.  
“Oh Harry...” Zayn murmured, tears in his eyes.  
“But it’s the last thing he did that really got to me…” Taking a deep breath and preparing himself for what he was about to admit, Harry looked up into his friend’s eyes.  
“Zayn… Zayn he fucking raped me.”


	5. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step to recovery is becoming a family again-- and that means no secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not updating... like at all. And Im really sorry if this chapter is short, but you guys have waited so long I thought you deserved something to read! I promise I'll eventually make it up to you?

“Shit guys. I have to tell you something.”  
Zayn was currently pacing back and forth in front of Niall, Liam, and Louis, who had since been seated on the crappy couch they had in their hotel room. He had left Harry passed out in his bed, worn out from confessing all of his secrets to Zayn. Utterly lost on what to do to help his friend, he promised Harry he wouldn’t tell and left as soon as his head hit the pillow.  
But Zayn knew he had to break his promise, or one of his best mates would surely kill himself.  
“What is it, Zaynie? Did you smoke a bad cig or something?” Niall said sarcastically.  
“Yea, the last time we saw you, you were fine.” Liam added. “Why so jumpy?”  
Zayn just continued pacing, trying to find the right words to tell the boy’s Harry’s problem. Was it a ‘problem’? Should he call it that?  
“…is… does this have something to do with Harry?” Louis asked. “I thought I saw you coming out of his room.. but I wasn’t sure because no one really talks to him anymore.”  
Zayn stopped and finally looked at his bandmates.  
“Yes, this has to do with Harry.” He ran his hand through his normally perfectly kept hair, looking as though his was gripping it as his anchor to reality. “Harry told me… shit. Harry told me everything, guys.”  
This was followed by silence and stares. Louis was the first to speak up.  
“He talked to you about this?”  
“Fuck Louis. Yea, he did. And I honestly wish he’d didn’t.”  
After another heavy silence, Liam asked, “So.. what’d the lad have to say? Why has he been so distant?”  
After taking in a big gulp of air, Zayn started to share the confessions Harry had thought were still foreign to Niall, Liam, and Louis’ ears.  
“It was the fucker, Nick. Yea, I know. But it wasn’t just him being bossy and possessive. He hit Harry. Our Harry.” Gasps came from around him, but he kept going, “Not only that, but he told the poor kid every day—every day –that he needed to lose weight. Gave him fucking weight loss pills like they were dog treats!”  
The silence and dreadfulness that filled the room was so thick Zayn could have cut it with a knife.  
“Harry…” his voice cracked. “Harry still fucking does it to himself because he thinks it’s true.”  
Zayn had to stop, for tears were now freely rolling down his cheeks. Hand placed on the nearest wall for support, he placed his free hand over his eyes, shielding the weakness they showed.  
“Shit.” Niall was the first to croak out.  
“Why the fuck didn’t he tell us?” Louis added. “That fucking dumbass. We could of helped him.”  
“Louis, calm down.” Liam stated firmly.  
“No Liam—please tell me. Why would he just suffer alone like that for all these years?”  
“Because,” Zayn cut in. “…Because Nick raped him after they broke up.”  
The silence and dread that had once filled the room was slowing replaced by anger—no. Pure rage. Liam got up and started pacing angrily back and forth, cutting a path into the floor. Niall just sat still and aimlessly started and a peace of dust floating in the lamp light. And Louis, oh, Louis was the worst. His once blue eyes were not human anymore, but filled with something demonic. He grabbed his phone and quickly dialed Paul’s number.  
“What the fuck are you doing, Louis?” Zayn asked.  
Louis just ignored him, waiting for his bodyguard to answer.  
When he finally did, Louis angrily spit out, “Paul, get me the number for—“  
His cell was quickly grabbed out of his hands and thrown across the room. “What the bloody hell..?”  
“Louis, you cant. I think there’s something Harry isn’t telling us, that’s why he suffered alone all these years.”  
He looked around the room. The faces of the boys he had known were gone and replaced with something older and more hurt than before. Zayn wondered how something perfect could be ruined so quickly.  
And he also wondered where the hell Nick was so he could murder that piece of shit.  
But first, “Lads, we need to have a talk with Harry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit guys this is so short but please stick with me a promise a long chapter is coming up! (:


	6. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets a little help from his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter you guys! Kudos/comments are appreciated! Oh, and where there is a line break or skipped scene, there will be this: 0000  
> This is also unedited so if it doesn't make sense tell me and Ill fix it eventually. Fuck Im lazy.

Harry woke up with sunlight just peeking out behind the dingy curtains in his hotel room. It took a couple of minutes for Harry to figure out where exactly he was, let alone recall the events that took place the night before. When he eventually did, though, he ran his fingers through his hair and sat up with a deep sigh.  
He was sitting in his hotel room alone. Not a good sign.  
Zayn must have thought he was crazy. That’s why he didn’t stay when I fell asleep, Harry thought; I knew I shouldn’t have told him.  
“Shit.” He muttered aloud, unconsciously tightening the hold on the white sheets surrounding him. Nick said nobody else would love me, Harry continued to convince himself, mind racing. He warned me this would happen. I’m such a fuck up.  
He got up out of bed and started pacing, demonic thoughts racing through his tired brain. Tears slowly started leaking out of his red, lifeless eyes as the realization really hit him like a freight train: Yes, nobody loves me. Not even Zayn. And sure as hell not Louis. I had my only chance with Nick.  
The dam broke, and the little streams of tears turned into roaring rivers. Harry sobbed harder that he had ever before, even more than when he had confessed himself to Zayn the night before.  
Harry made his decision without a second thought.  
Pulling himself together, he walked towards the bathroom with a newfound purpose. Not even bothering to shut the door behind him, he got down on his knees and started searching for the little bag of relief he kept hidden in every new hotel they had on tour. Finally reaching it, he unzipped the small pouch and took his tool out. His savior. His razor.  
Harry felt a wave of emotions is that moment—but the one that stood out the most was the feeling of uselessness. He knew that the lads probably loved him like a brother, and yea, he admits it feels good to know it. But Harry believes that if he died, or even just gone away for a while, nobody would miss him. And that’s even worse than being unloved... being felt uncared for.  
Bringing the blade in contact with the pale skin of his wrist, he sucked in a deep breath. Harry had never done it on his arms before, being too afraid of getting caught. He had only done it for pain, relief, and never attention. So he kept the angry red lines on his hips and thighs, figuring this was the safest place. But Harry wasn’t aiming to bring a short burst of relief to himself this morning—oh no. He was aiming the end the pain for good.  
Starting slow, he dragged the razor across the meatiest part of his arm, not going in too deep. Oh yea, it definitely hurt worse on his arm. But Harry continued, getting deeper and deeper as he slowly crept away from his meaty arm and closer to the delicate skin of his wrist. Harry could see his blue veins beneath the transparent skin, almost taunting him with his life.  
Maybe this was selfish, Harry thought. I haven’t left a note. I haven’t explained to my family why I have turned out this way.  
But then he thought of Zayn. Zayn had left him the morning after he had told him his secret. He was disgusted by him.  
And that’s when Harry quickly slashed the blade across his delicate patch of skin for the last time.

00000

“Harry?” Louis called from outside his door. “We need to talk, love.” He knocked a quick three times with his knuckles. “Harry?”  
“Maybe this is a bad idea, Lou”, he heard Zayn say directly behind him. “We all know he’s more comfortable around you. Maybe you should just go in first.”  
Louis sighed. “Zayn, you’re the one he told.” He looked back at the boys standing behind him. “We need to do this together, boys. As family.”  
Niall, Liam, and Zayn nodded in agreement as Louis proceeded to knock on Harry’s door.  
“Harry? Wake up babe!” A slight groan sounded from through the door, but then was followed by silence once again.  
Louis looked at Zayn once again. “Don’t you have an extra key?”  
Zayn shook his head in disbelief. “I’m such an idiot, yea”, he confessed digging in his back pocket. “Sorry, here. Should have remembered.”  
“It’s alright mate.” Louis said with a smile. “It’s understandable with what shit has been put on you recently.”  
He took the key from Zayn and swiped it through the lock on the door. Once he heard the familiar click, he pushed in, motioning for the boys to follow in pursuit.  
“Harry?” He called out once again. Nothing.  
“He’s not in his bed!” Niall called from across the room.  
“Not in the kitchenette, either!” Liam added.  
All of a sudden, a groan sounded from the bathroom. Louis proceeded towards the room to check it out.  
“Harry?”  
He was met by the sight of Harry slouched up again the bathroom wall, eyes rolling into the back of his head whilst clutching his bloodied wrist to his chest.  
“Lo…Lou…” He groaned. “It hurts.”  
“Shit.” Louis looked at the boy in shock, wondering quickly what he had to do to fix him. “SHIT.” He added, nearly shouting.  
“GUYS, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW.” He yelled out to the boys.  
The sound of stomping footsteps was soon replaced by gasps.  
“FUCK.” Liam gasped. But he soon swallowed his fear and started taking charge. He cleared his throat and took a shocked Louis by the shoulders. “Lou—Louis! Look at me!” Louis was snapped out of his state and looked back at Liam, teary eyed. “Go sit by Harry. Keep him calm. Okay?” Louis nodded and almost at once went over to his broken best friend. “Zayn, I need you to go find a first aid kit—no I don’t know where, just go get one!” He snapped. “Niall, go call an ambulance.” He spared a glance at the bloody boy behind him and then back at Niall. “This is fucking serious.”  
After Niall scrambled away, Liam turned and went towards Louis and Harry crouched on the tiled floor. Louis had brought Harry on his lap and was whispering in his ear.  
“Harry… why Harry...” He breathed.  
“I-I thought Zayn...” He took a breath. “No...Nobody loves me.” He finally choked out.  
Tears were now shamelessly flowing down Louis cheeks. He kissed Harry ever so gently on his forehead, sirens very faintly being heard outside their window, and whispered “Harry, we love you. We’re your family. Forever.”


	7. Epilogue

Harry died on October 1st, 2014.  
One could say he died accidentally, thinking he had no one to love him when in actuality a few feet down the hall were a group of boys deciding on the best way to care for him. Another could say he deserved it, he was a stupid fag who just wanted attention, right?  
But as Harry looked down from above, at the four best mates he had ever had, all he felt was regret. For he knew he had died selfishly. He now knew what his friends were planning on doing. They wanted to help him, not leave him. The angels told him that.  
Harry watched as his sister pulled away from his mother. He watched how they drifted farther and farther apart after his death.  
He watched how Zayn blamed himself, and slowly drank poison until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.  
He watched how Liam and Niall moved away to America to get away from all of the despair.  
And oh.  
Oh.  
He watched his precious Louis put flowers on his grave every night at sunset until he was old and frail and passed away in his sleep to join him once again.  
And when Harry looked into his young blue eyes.  
He knew.  
Maybe this wasn’t a bad decision after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all might hate me for this but.  
> I like sad endings. And this story was dragging on.


End file.
